


Jelly Roll

by Vanilla_Ella



Series: Roommates AU [1]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, M/M, Poor Josh, Suicidal Thoughts, he shouldn't be left alone, roommate au, they have a puppy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 11:16:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanilla_Ella/pseuds/Vanilla_Ella
Summary: Tyler leaves him alone for a week.Josh doesn't deal with silence well.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Andy_Bee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andy_Bee/gifts).



> Hey frens..
> 
> I know I'm supposed to update "Everything Comes Back To You" but with all the drama going on in my family and school, finding time to write has become harder and harder.
> 
> This is a one-shot kind of thing I've been writing little bits of now and then when I have free time. A while ago my best friend told me I love people too hard, too freely, and that was one of my bad traits. I hold onto people too tightly, even those who've walked out of my life. 
> 
> This story is dedicated to my fren, Andy and also Rye. Although you both left for a short time, I missed you so deeply. 
> 
> Anyways, enough with my depressing life. Please accept this as a small "sorry" for not updating my other story; I hope a chapter will be ready by next week.

"My sister's getting married."

The statement catches Josh by surprise, the soapy dish in his hands nearly dropping to the bottom of the sink and shattering in a brilliant mess of porcelain against silver. He turns his head, looks at Tyler, who keeps his eyes trained on the bowl he's drying by his side.

He saw that statement coming, of course. He knew that, since Maddy had been engaged for more than a year, sometime Tyler would pop up and say he had to leave Josh to go back to Columbus. 

Maybe he should've expected it sooner.

"When?" is all he mumbles out, trying his best to refocus on the task at hand and continue soaping.

The plate suddenly feels heavy in his hands. 

"This weekend," Tyler says, sounding tentative, careful, like he's trying to hide his obvious happiness and excitement for the trip, which in turn makes Josh feel horrible.

"That sounds fun," he replies in a non-committal way, even though it really does. 

Time away from boring Josh is always fun, he supposes with a somewhat heavy heart.

"You'll..." he hears Tyler put the bowl in the cabinet, feels his eyes on him. "You'll be fine here alone, right? It's just for a week."

Knowing he couldn't take much time to form a reply without raising his best friend's worry, he looks at the brunet with the best smile he can force. "Course, I'll be totally fine."

Tyler grins, looking somewhat relieved as he picks up the last dish Josh just finished rinsing off, hurriedly drying it off before placing it haphazardly in the cabinet with no large amount of carefulness. "Great!" 

Josh hears quick footsteps flee out of the kitchen, Tyler humming a happy tune. He hears the closet upstairs open and the heavy suitcase fall out from where it perches on the highest shelf in Tyler's closet.

Oh, right. It's Sunday evening.

Tyler's leaving tomorrow.

Great, Josh sighs internally.

 

••••••

 

Despite Tyler spending most of the night packing, he's still rushing about upstairs in the morning, going through his closet, then his suitcase, then the bathroom, then his bag of toiletries before starting all over. It's a dizzying routine, with so much thinking and happening going on, but it's a bit endearing if Josh will admit it, so incredibly like Tyler. 

Too much and just enough at the same time.

Small wheels roll against the hardwood floor quickly, moving to the kitchen where Josh is doing the breakfast dishes.

"What am I missing?" Tyler shouts just before he gets to the kitchen, stopping at the door and patting down his pockets in a frenzy.

"I dunno," Josh answers un-helpfully, unable to stop himself from smiling when his roommate groans dramatically, slapping his hands over his sleep-deprived face and pulling at his eyelids in the way that specifically bothers Josh.

He doesn't want him to ruin his eyes, okay? They're too beautiful to be ruined, in Josh's opinion, and with this in mind, the blue-haired boy sighs. "Fine," ignoring the way Tyler immediately perks up.

"Wallet?"

"Yep."

"Keys?"

"Mhm."

"Phone?"

Tyler scoffs as if personally offended (which he probably is), "Just who do you think I am, Mr. Dun?"

That makes Josh snicker. "Toothbrush?"

Tyler's about to nod, before he freezes, looks at his suitcase for a second.

"Crap," he huffs before bolting off, leaving his roommate laughing.

"Where is it?" Tyler yells, feet sprinting frantically through the bathroom, voice slightly muffled through the thin floor.

"The shelf above the sink!"

"Why would it be--" a pause follows. "Oh."

Josh rolls his eyes, ignoring the loud honks from the taxi outside of their apartment a few stories below, trying to swallow the dread of what was about to happen.

"Alright I have to go!" Tyler shouts, running back down the stairs. Immediately at the sound of the door opening, Josh isn't the only one who panics, as he hears Pilot (who'd honestly been sulking all day at the sight of Tyler's suitcase like he knew what was about to happen) immediately jump off the couch and scamper to the door with a few loud barks.

"Aww, bye sweetie," he hears Tyler coo as he hurriedly dries off his wet hands, abandoning the last few forks in the sink in favor of rushing to the door as well.

Tyler's on one knee, petting their brown and white collie as he presses a kiss to the top of his head. 

"'M gonna miss you so much, baby!" he groans, letting out a few giggles when Pilot licks his cheek eagerly, ignoring the incessant beeping outside. When he stands, the dog immediately begins whimpering, scratching at his jeans with his paws. 

Josh is quick to rush forward, swooping up a wriggly puppy in his arms. 

"Thanks," Tyler mouths before turning his attention to his pet once more, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to its head. "Daddy'll be back soon, don't worry!"

"You're so disturbing," Josh laughs, ignoring the teasing pout that comes over his best friend's face.

"Whatever, J," he rolls his eyes, stepping away and gripping his suitcase. "See you later!"

Josh panics, unable to stop "Wait a second, where's my kiss?" from escaping his lips, the statement half-joking (which, unfortunately, means half-genuine as well).

He can't help but feel a pang when Tyler simply scoffs with a fond smile, rolling his eyes as he begins walking out into the hallway. 

"I'll call you later," he smiles, hurting Josh and heartening him with a promise all at once before he whisks away, disappearing further and further down the corridor.

"I'll make you jelly rolls if you stay!" Josh suddenly shouts as his subconscious makes a final attempt, not hoping to make Tyler actually stay (he has to go, Josh knows) but hoping to postpone the pain of Tyler being ripped away from him like a butterfly of its wings.

"Baby, go back inside!" Tyler laughs over his shoulder, pausing at the corner as he turns quickly and blows a kiss.

Josh can't help but selfishly wish it's for him and not the wriggly, warm puppy in his arms.

"I'll see you both soon!" are Tyler's last words before he disappears completely out of view.

Pilot whimpers and struggles in his arms, Josh only putting him down once he's shut the door. The puppy runs away, burrows itself to hide under the pillows on the couch as it begins whimpering softly.

Josh goes back to the sink to avoid the temptation of doing the same.

 

••••••

 

Tuesday isn't too bad, Josh supposes. He can't sleep too well at night, having woken up multiple times and only falling in bouts of fitful sleep.

One thing he notices is that he can't find it in himself to smile as much though, even at things he used to. Even when he catches himself glancing at pictures of Tyler in their apartment, he can't help but wish the brunet was with him.

The first day without Tyler passes by rather quickly though, Josh having to work. Ashley, his coworker, immediately notices something's up, his change of mood quite drastic from his normally bright self, with his long sighs and wandering mind. 

He messes up a few orders at least thrice before the usual lunch rush, and it's not long before she pulls him aside.

"Hey, what's going on?" Ashley asks, eyes kind and voice concerned.

He shrugs helplessly, honestly irritated at himself for being un-functional, something very dangerous to be in a fast-paced restaurant. 

He just hopes his boss isn't coming in today. 

"Just have some stuff on my mind."

"Lady drama?" she inquires in a suddenly way-too interested way, a small smirk appearing on her purple lips as she twirls a lock of her black ponytail around her finger.

"More like roommate drama," Josh sighs, moving to the computer to begin printing out a receipt. "Or, lack thereof, to be accurate."

She scoffs, looking over his shoulder at the computer. And, yeah, maybe he's talked to her about Tyler once or twice, but it's not like he's all Josh talks about.

"He's out, huh?"

"For the week."

"Yikes," Ashley giggles, patting his shoulder almost condescendingly. "That sucks. Sorry, love."

He shrugs, unable to work up a smile, even a fake one. 

He goes through the motions when he gets back home. Changes out of his uncomfortable, black waiter-uniform, feeds Pilot and fills his water bowl, turns on the TV and cranks it up as loud as he can without bothering the neighbors.

He eats a bland dinner, some sort of $2 microwaveable burrito and a few Oreos, planted in Tyler's favorite crease in the toffee-colored couch, Pilot snuggled beside him. 

He tries to focus on the nature documentary, ignores the desire to pull out his phone and check for the hundredth time that day to see if Tyler even sent a text.

Nothing, as usual.

Tuesday night and he hadn't even heard a single thing from his best friend.

But it's okay. Because Tyler's okay, and he's safe and in Columbus, right?

Josh doesn't know what he'd do if it was anything different.

Pilot whimpers on his chest as if he can tell what the blue-headed boy is thinking, and Josh sighs, discards his half-eaten dinner with no more appetite. He rubs a hand through the puppy's hair soothingly.

"Sorry you're stuck with me," he mumbles, eyes still on the TV. "I know you like Tyler better."

Pilot barks as if agreeing, and, pressed against Josh, falls asleep. 

The one thing that really gets to Josh is the absolute silence of the apartment. Normally, he'd have Tyler to talk to, to blast music in the house with. But everything strangely seems as if it's gone on mute, as if no matter how loud he turns on the TV, or how loud he plays music, there's something missing.

Even with the man talking on the television, even with his neighbors fighting right above him and having another screaming match, everything's strangely quiet.

And Josh sighs.

 

•••••

 

Wednesday is slightly tougher.

Without having to go to work for the rest of the week, Josh doesn't have much to do. He sits at home, pays the monthly electricity and water bills. He takes Pilot out for a walk, tries to steer him away from bothering the homeless people on the sidewalks of L.A., having little success. He'd always listened to Tyler much better, Josh muses.

When he gets back, unleashing the puppy and allowing him to dash into the apartment, it's quiet again.

Josh groans to no one but himself, and presses his forehead against the door just after it falls shut.

He takes out his phone, looks at it with some dampened spark of hope that he'd see a message from Tyler.

Not a single reply to the four texts he sent the night before.

Josh might have hit his head against the wood a few times.

 

••••••••

 

Thursday morning is when he finally gets a call. He's lying in bed, wondering if he should even try to get up, when his phone begins ringing on the bedside table.

He may have rolled over and grabbed it way too fast.

He may have answered on the second ring.

But it doesn't matter, because it's Tyler.

"Josh! Hey, dude!" the brunet shouts, the ocean-haired boy too jubilant to care that his best friend nearly deafens him with his louder-than-normal voice, ends up even pressing his cellphone against his ear even more.

"Ty," and maybe he sounds a little breathless with his delight. 

Tyler's safe. He's okay.

Josh's mind immediately soothes at the realization.

"How are you?" he inquires, Josh noting how the background noise was quite loud, as if Tyler was in a public place. 

"I'm, uh, I'm okay," he lies too easily, but it comes out too fast when he's finally getting what he's wanted. 

"Sorry I couldn't call or text or anything!" Tyler sounds exasperated. "My family's been dragging me all over the place! Not to mention, Maddy's been making me practice the song I'm gonna play on the ukulele for her wedding!"

"That sounds cool," Josh smiles, and it feel strange, as if it'd been forever since a true, genuine smile took over his face. "Hey, I--"

"Oh, sorry, I'm just talking to--but--right now?" There's a pause, and Josh waits anxiously, picks at his nails as he rolls over to lie on his back, staring at the white ceiling. "I'm sorry, alright--wait, Josh?"

"Huh?"

"They need me to move a table or something," Tyler sounds annoyed. "I've been trying to help out with my sister's reception but it's been a pain in my butt lately."

"Oh," Josh feels himself deflating, like a soufflé jerked out of the oven too quickly. "So..you have to go?"

"Yeah, sorry!" Tyler huffs. "I'll talk to you later, 'k?"

"Sure," Josh can hear how dejected he sounds, it's pathetic, he knows. "Bye..?"

"Bye."

Just like that, the tone goes flat, and Josh lies there, listens to it for a moment as if he needs to wake himself up from the dream.

Or was it a nightmare?

Josh sighs, tries to ignore the stupid, hot welling of tears in his coffee eyes, and buries himself deeper into Tyler's sheets, breathes him in.

He only gets up to feed Pilot, fill his water bowl, before trudging back to Tyler's bed, collapsing in it, lying on his side.

He stares at his phone, waits for it to ring.

It doesn't.

 

•••••••

 

Friday goes by painfully slow. 

Josh considers calling Brendon over to hang out with him, but he realizes that he's probably busy.

Who'd want to hang out around Josh anyway?

He cleans the apartment, performing menial tasks around the kitchen and bathroom. He's able to do so much laundry that his hamper is empty by the end of it, and ends up taking Pilot out on two walks.

Despite all of the little things he accomplishes that day, Friday night can't come faster.

It's strange, Josh ponders, as he lies in Tyler's bed and stares at the ceiling, stomach half-full with cheap ramen and water. 

All of the activities he's performed over the week, his job, taking care of Pilot, housework, all seemed meaningless.

Everything seemed empty, with not only a lack of Tyler and a companion, but also a lack of motivation.

Josh felt as if he's just existing, as if he's a robot. 

He sits up, gets out of bed. He pads over to the balcony, stepping out into rough gravel with bare feet. The night air is cool against his skin, just like the railing under his hands.

He watches cars drive by below him, neon lights against dark skies, illuminating buildings and people walking on the pavement.

The air makes him feel light, free. As if he stepped off the platform, he'd go right with the wind, flying by like a butterfly.

Would it matter though?

Would flying matter if he couldn't breathe? If there was nothing to enjoy, nothing to move for? 

Tyler had done so much for him, had always been there when Josh was at his all time low and had nothing.

He'd brought about all of the friends Josh had now, he'd practically given Josh a job when he forced him to move out of his existential crisis and find one. 

He'd poured so much joy and laughter and warmth into Josh's heart, gave him so much light.

Now he was gone. Out enjoying life and finally allowing himself to breathe freely without Josh there to suffocate him.

What could Josh do without him?

Fly, maybe.

He could drop down to the earth and be saved by the breeze just in time. He could step to the other side of the railing and have no fear.

But...maybe he'd fall.

That was always a possibility.

But would it matter?

Without any meaning, life was just as void as death; there was simply nothing. No movement. No motivation.

Would it be better to just end it now?

Would there even be anyone to care or remember him when he's gone?

Another sharp breeze seems to snap Josh out of his thoughts, and he's genuinely surprised (though not at all disgusted) by his turn of thoughts. One last, longing glance is thrown to the city, to the hard pavement below.

No. Not today, at least.

Josh pads back into the room, closes the door with a heavy slam and an even heavier heart.

Maybe that's why it feels like he's dropped from the heavens down to the earth when he collapses on Tyler's bed.

 

••••••••

 

Saturday is meant for fun, for going out to the mall or watching a new movie. It's meant to be a busy day, or a lazy one, but no matter which of the polar opposites it presents itself as, Saturday is a day of relaxed enjoyment.

Maybe that's what bothers Josh enough to get up.

His bare feet connect with the floor in dulled thuds as he moves through the apartment. It's like he can't feel the warm sunshine pouring on his bare shoulders as he fills Pilot's food bowl beside the large ceiling to floor window, like he can't hear the subtle thunks of dog food dropping into the bowl.

All he hears is the white noise of his ears, his head.

He turns on the TV to try to distract himself, turns it up all the way, this time without a care for his neighbors. 

The sound is bland, his meager bowl of cereal dull on his tongue, like he was hearing and eating dust. 

Maddy's getting married today, Josh supposes. 

It's probably one of the greatest days of Tyler's life as her older brother, to be able to watch with love and pride as his little sister is joined with the love of her life for eternity.

It makes him feel slightly bad, that he could be flying this low when his best friend is sky high, enjoying life and it's happiness.

He deserves it though.

Josh throws away half of the bowl of his cereal when he finds he can't eat, can't focus on the TV.

He drags himself back to Tyler's bed, falls face first in it.

He lies there until he hears a small beep.

His phone lights up in the corner of his eye, and Josh's hand sluggishly reaches out. He can't even find it in himself to move.

It's a picture of Tyler, sharply dressed in a black tuxedo with the most beautiful smile on his lips, his little sister pressed against his side looking just as gorgeous as a summer evening, white lace and rose lips, the sky a vibrant blue and grass a sharp green in the background.

Josh stares at it blankly, eyes seeming to be uncomprehending the immense amount of joy in the picture for a moment before the texting bubble appears, three dots beeping and signifying an incoming message.

"Wish you were here, best fren!"

At Columbus? Josh wonders, or in the sun? 

It only takes moment to realize it doesn't matter, and Josh drops his phone onto the bed, rolls over and tugs the thick blankets over him.

The only thing that smothers him more than the sheets above him is the silence.

 

••••••

 

His cellphone rings in the middle of the night.

One, two, three, four rings--

"H'llo?"

"Josh!" He can just hear the absolute beam in Tyler's voice, as if it's morning and he hadn't been partying all day and night. "How are you?"

He rubs a hand across his bare chest, feels his cold skin and shudders in disgust. 

The ceiling above him is like a black, starless sky. 

"..all right, I guess."

"Aw man, you should be here!" Tyler giggles, high with obvious delight, the steady beat of the slow song going on in the back filtering through his words. "Everything is so beautiful and perfect!"

That somehow makes Josh sink more into the bed. "Really?" he inquires, words not at all sarcastic, sounding more like those of a child than of a young man.

He wants to be there, though. He'd give all he had to just hear something, let his world be dipped and saturated into neon colors so he can see something that isn't black or white.

Tomorrow.

Tyler's coming back tomorrow though.

A surge of hope makes Josh's heart flutter with the sudden realization, and he's able to pull himself up, sitting in Tyler's bed with the cold, heavy sheets surrounding him.

He can't find it in himself to smile just yet, but there's a ghost of it on his lips.

"Mhm!" Tyler hums, and Josh can tell he's slightly buzzed with the way he slurs just the smallest bit, and it makes Josh's stomach do flips.

The thought of him being able to take care of whatever tiny hangover Tyler has tomorrow makes his heart pulse with a shade of joy.

"The reception is so fun too! We rented out one of those giant reception hotel rooms and almost my entire family is staying in 'Double Trees' for the night!"

"That's fun," Josh remarks, and he thinks of Tyler leaving it the next morning, suitcase dragging behind him as he boards the flight back to L.A., back to Josh.

And then Josh won't be alone anymore. 

"Yeah!" the brunet laughs a bit breathlessly, and there's a pause in which Josh can hear the party going on in the back, hears chattering and laughter. 

The corners of his lips tug up more, with delight in the clarity of the sounds that doesn't make it seem like he's drowning underwater anymore.

"Anyways," Tyler continues, voice still a bit giggly, and Josh swears his stomach does double flips at how beautiful his laughter is, unaware of the dark storm about to take over him again, "I was calling because my family was thinking about taking Maddy and the new man out on a short trip around New York before they go to Hawaii for their honeymoon!"

And just like that, Josh swears he hears his heart drop ten stories and shatter on the icy pavement of his mind. 

The sounds of the party in the background begin to swirl and spiral into the familiar distant echoes once more, and fear at the thought of losing it prompts Josh to whisper out,

"What?"

"For only five days, not a week or anything!" Tyler laughs obliviously, unaware of the horror retaking over Josh's mind, the thought of having to bear even a second longer in the absolute silence making Josh's heart twist and squeeze in a nightmare's grasp.

And for the first time that week, Josh feels not only the welling of tears in his coffee eyes, but the color of them mixing with the burning lava clouding his vision and pouring down his cheeks, leaving his eyes gray.

"Ty," he mumbles out, the words he doesn't have somehow stuck in his throat.

Josh doesn't hear anything for a few seconds besides the echoes.

"Josh?" his name on his lips pierces through the white noise that keeps growing in his ears like a steady beam of sunlight through a cloudy storm.

The echoes fade, and Josh hears him move out to the hallway, where the party's commotion dies out and there's only a few other voices whispering and conversing in the background.

"Hey, what's going on?" And Tyler sounds so much more serious, all playfulness and joy bled out of his voice and only replaced with concern.

Josh almost wishes he was too drunk to understand that something was wrong. No one else would care, anyway.

"It's nothing," Josh sobs suddenly, unexpectedly, and he bites his lip, presses his clenched fist against the side of his head a few times to try and get a grip on his emotions.

How can he be so selfish?

"I can come home tonight," Tyler suggests softly, and that only makes Josh cry harder with the thought. "The tickets can't be too expensive--"

"I'm fine, Ty," he lies shakily. "Stay there with your family, p-please."

"Joshie, you're crying--"

"It's fine, I'm sorry," he grits out before hanging up. 

He sits there, silent for a moment, a sob stuck in his throat.

He tries not to think about what just happened, what more days alone will mean for him, but he can't ignore it, can't unsee the destruction coming on the horizon.

He feels the whole world shake as he begins sobbing again, collapsing into the mattress that suddenly feels like the concrete outside only a few stories down. 

He doesn't wonder what it'd be like to fall from the balcony at that point, because he doesn't need to.

He's fallen already.

 

••••••

 

The door opens hours later, when Josh's eyes are half-lidded and blank, tears spent and dry, his face half-hidden in the sheets, the rising sun still under the veil of a lightening, crystal sky. 

It's still as cold as midnight.

Josh hears soft footsteps pad through the hallway, hears Pilot bark softly and a man shushing the puppy lovingly.

The bed sinks only a few moments later, a warm hand touches his frozen, pale skin.

Tyler is the spring that comes to melt away Josh's winter, and that thought is all that swirls in the blue-haired boy's mind as his lax body is wrapped and picked up in tight arms, his face coming to rest on his friend's shoulder.

"What's wrong, Josh?" Tyler questions, and his voice, though clearly exhausted, isn't annoyed or angry, simply worried and colored with a subtle shade of sorrow.

"I don't know." His voice cracks, throat dry.

"You do," Tyler insists softly, as if there's someone listening into their conversation, despite knowing that the night keeps its secrets. "We were okay when I left. What happened?"

Josh's eyes fill with tears again, and he keeps his face against Tyler's shoulder despite wanting to just see his face. 

It's felt like centuries.

"I've been thinking too much," Josh answers after a long moment, letting out a sigh when he feels Tyler's hand glide up his back and come to rest in his hair.

"That's dangerous," Tyler remarks quietly, hand stroking through his cotton candy hair soothingly.

Josh nods.

"What about?"

"Just how easy it would be to fall off the balcony," slips out too easily, but he's too gone to care when he feels Tyler stiffen.

"What?" And Tyler sounds horrified as he grips his best friend by the shoulders, pushes him back to look into his faded coffee eyes with fear in his own.

Josh just shrugs simply, looks down at the sheets and picks at his fingernails.

"Stop," Tyler mumbles, grabbing his hands and holding them tightly. He's cleaned up Josh's bloody hands too many times. "Look at me."

Josh obeys him easily, glances into his face emptily.

"What do you mean?'" Tyler demands, though his words are gentle like the knuckles that brush against his cheek. 

"No one will miss me if that happens," he states simply, and he closes his eyes, leans into his loving touch to distract himself from the heavy atmosphere brought over them by his words.

He's used to breathing with his lungs full of water and smoke by this point.

"I'll miss you," Tyler retorts in a somewhat incredulous tone as he tugs him back into his arms. "What brought this kind of thinking on?"

"It's quiet without anyone around," Josh mumbles, casting a glance at the doors leading to the balcony only a few paces away. 

Tyler is silent, barely breathing, and Josh doesn't know if he'd laugh or cry at that point if his best friend was taken by sleep. It doesn't matter.

"You've brought about everything I have at this point," he continues softly, ignoring the fragile tears trembling in his eyes as they grow. "All my friends and the job I have now--it's because you pushed me to stop sitting around on my ass and do something with my life."

"But you did it all," Tyler suddenly interjects, sighing in a long breath as if he'd been holding it in his lungs all this time. "I didn't do any of it for you, because you did it yourself."

"But it wouldn't matter, don't you understand?" Josh pulls back, looks at Tyler's beautiful face only inches from his own, the hurt contorting and twisting it. 

A stream of starlight slips from Tyler's eyes, and Josh's heart breaks.

"My family doesn't care about me enough to check up on me, only when they need money..I'm not important enough for my job; if I didn't show up, they'd only call once or twice before forgetting me and hiring a replacement," he explains, laying a pale hand on his best friend's cheek and wiping away his tears with the pad of his thumbs. 

"Brendon would check up on you," Tyler tries, though his voice is much too broken to be convincing.

"I thought that too, until I remembered that one time he was on a cruise for three weeks and never called once."

"You know he was probably drunk that entire time," Tyler cracks a trembling smile, and he looks funny, Josh supposes, with tears still running down his cheeks.

"He's only friends with me because of you. He never would've even known I existed until you let him come over that one Friday months ago."

"But I would've cared," Tyler cuts in, brow furrowing as if this whole situation physically pains him, and he covers Josh's hand resting on the side of his face with a shaky one. "You know I'd care if you were gone."

Josh scoffs lightly, pulls his hand away and looks down at the blank sheets below them.

Tyler's quiet for the long moment he needs, and he's grateful.

"I was 17," Josh begins softly, hands coming together to gently rub together. 

Anxiety has always made it hard for him to open up, even to Tyler.

"It was after my parents died in that car accident on the freeway, right after the day social services took my siblings away from me when my aunts and uncles wouldn't take any of us in."

When Josh looks up, the brunet by his side is listening intently, glistening eyes staring at his vulnerable self with sad eyes.

"I was carrying a box of my parents things up the ladder to the attic," he continues, "then I accidentally knocked my head against the wall behind my head while climbing up and tumbled down the ladder, then down the staircase right behind me."

He hears Tyler's sharp intake of breath, and he grabs his hand reassuringly. 

"I was okay," he mumbles, knocking his head lightly against Tyler's almost playfully, though he's sure the melancholy in his eyes haven't left. "Sure, I hurt a lot and had a bruise for a body, but I didn't die."

Tyler's fingertips reach out and swipe against Josh's cheek that's suddenly wet.

He smiles tearily when he realizes that he didn't even take notice to his own weeping. 

"But I could've," he concludes. "I could've snapped my neck or landed wrong on my head, and I would've died. No one even would've known."

'I would've came to check on you,' Tyler wants to say, but he knows it's not true.

He didn't even know 17 year-old Josh.

"That's what's been bothering me, I guess," Josh frowns, sighing when Tyler embraces him yet again, though this time, he pushes himself against the blue-haired boy with such force that they tumble back onto the bed until they're lying, the brunet crushing his cotton candy boy under his heavy body.

"Ty--"

"I love you," he interrupts, and Josh can tell he's crying again into the crook of his neck. "You know I do, and it's worrying me so much that you're thinking about these things."

"I'm sorry," Josh murmurs uselessly.

"No, be quiet," Tyler mumbles, and he pulls the covers over them. "We're talking about this in the morning. You need to sleep."

He shifts them comfortably so he's pressed behind Josh, arms wrapped around him tightly and nose pressed into ocean-colored curls, lips resting against smooth skin.

"I missed having you around so much," Josh whispers, and the brunet can clearly hear the way his voice breaks just the tiniest bit.

Nothing else had the ability to cause such a large crack in Tyler's heart, and he holds Josh tighter.

"I missed you too," Tyler responds simply, pressing soothing kisses into Josh's hair, his smooth neck. "But I'm here now, okay? I'm home."

Josh stifles a sob.

 

•••••

 

They don't, however, talk about it in the morning.

Tyler wakes up to an empty bed, the side where Josh used to lie completely cold.

Groggily, he gets up, wanders into the kitchen, subliminally glad that he'd changed out of his tuxedo before he boarded the midnight flight back to L.A.

He won't tell Josh that a last minute ticket was more than what was affordable for him, the first class flights being the last available.

Instead, he peeks into the kitchen with cloudy eyes, blinking away the sleep as he watches Josh move quietly, foot tapping anxiously against the floor while his hands work on the counter in front of him.

Tyler exhales softly, crosses the kitchen with a few, sluggish steps and moves to stand directly behind the blue-haired boy. He resists the urge to wrap his arms around Josh's waist, as he knows how closed off the latter can become when he slips into these kind of moods. 

His chin comes to rest on his roommate's shoulder though, and he closes his eyes instead of looking over to what Josh is doing.

"J," he mumbles softly, voice jagged with sleep. "Think we should--"

"Want one?" Josh cuts in sharply, as if he knows what he's going to suggest but he can't bear the thought.

Not in daylight, at least.

Tyler forces his eyes open, looks down at the jelly roll his best friend is expertly slicing on the cutting board below him, and only then does he notice the baking tray cooling off on the stove, the faint smell of baked pasties filling the house.

Pilot will be awake in no time.

"You made them?" Ty inquires still a bit sleepily, though he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I told you I would," Josh says simply, and his voice is flat, normal. Not close to being as happy as it once was, but at least it's not dripping with sorrow or saturated in misery anymore.

Tyler huffs tiredly, presses his nose lightly against Josh's neck and presses a chaste kiss there. "I still think we should--"

"Ty, you're hungry," Josh interrupts once more as he places two slices neatly on a ceramic plate, dusts powdered sugar over the raspberry jelly roll like snow falling on crimson blood. "Let's eat."

And if Josh is good at avoiding questions and conversations he doesn't want to have for the rest of the week, Tyler doesn't ask.

His dulled eyes say more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed, please leave kudos or a review? I'd appreciate it so much.
> 
> Stay alive, my frens |-/


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